52 ways of banishing ghosts or a year of getting a life

'Marley was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt about that.'

A Christmas Carol. In many ways my life over the last year has been dominated by what I have been calling ghosts. In the last 3.5 years, I have been made redundant, had a short term contract end just as my Mother died. A period of unemployment followed by the job that nightmares are made of. This has been accompanied by the death of both of my mother's sisters within 18 months and the sale of my Aunt's house, next door to my Father's. He is fine but a grumpy 84 year old. I also have a flat that needs gutting, rewiring that I fell write aboutout of love when upstairs' washing machine started backing up into my kitchen so I guess you could say that my life has not been exactly a bed of roses.

Written like that, it seems as though life has been all doom and gloom but it's not. I have a part-time job that I enjoy, I've started new things, got capital and have used one of the things I have inherited from the relatives - resilience. I am unmarried and an only child but very lucky to have good friends and wonderful cousins.

And yet - of course things get me down. I need to challenge myself, do new things, explore a new life. But I can't drop everything and go round the world because I haven't got that much capital and whilst fit, Grumpy (my Father) does like me dividing my time between my flat and his house. To be honest, I like spending time at his house too particularly as it has been a home to me since I was 13.

There are times when I have felt that life is dominated by ghosts. memories of things I did with my Mother, places I have visited, family times, experiences at work, weird and exciting shifts. I miss the eccentric independent life I used to have.

I have never been one to do New Year's Resolutions. After all, what's the point of trying to lose weight or do loads of exercise at the time of year (at least in Northern Europe) when it's dark, cold and miserable. Why add more of that to your life and condemn yourself to fail.

I do however believe in challenges. This year I am challenging myself to do one new thing every week and to write about it. They aren't going to be the big things. Colleagues have registered to do the Challenge 42 and go up Tower 42 or the NatWest Tower as I used to know it. I am not that crazy and besides I did a lot of those stairs in my twenties when I worked for NatWest Corporate Banking or NatWest Markets as it became. Walking down 29 flights was tough enough on the knees! Let's face it, when you go uphill you at least get to enjoy the view but you don't on those stairs.

I digress. My new things are going to be smaller, it could be the new term at choir, a new recipe, knitting technique, a new walk. It can be things I am already doing but a new chapter or perhaps a new book.

What brought this on? Some incredible lows over the last 2 months. It's a year since my Aunt died on 22nd December after a stroke on my cousin's birthday. Struggles with my Father over relatively small things and a huge issue over Christmas Day. To take my mind off things and have a break over the miserable Christmas period, I booked a weekend in Paris. I've been to Paris several times. I could spend so many weekends over there, not because I particularly like the city but because of the cultural jewels. Let's face it, it's a lot closer than New York! This time I decided I wanted to see the Blue and Pink period Picasso exhibition & the Impressionist & Neo-Impressionist rehang at the Musee d'Orsay & the Fauvist exhibition at the Marmottan which featured works in private collections.

I went to book the hotel in the Bastille area which I have stayed at several times but then I stopped. Why? I wasn't going to the opera this time, I didn't need to go back to the restaurants in the area, I didn't have to go back. I went for somewhere new on the Left Bank. To be honest, I think the hotel I stayed at, whilst lovely, was probably over priced for what it offered but Location, Location, Location costs. It was absolutely the right thing to do! I came back with a sense of peace from the Marmotten and joy in the Signacs and the Seurats looking so much happier on the top floor of the Orsay. I laughed when I got involved in a conversation with a Portuguese waiter and then forgot which language I was supposed to be speaking. I had switched off and relaxed.

This is what I want to continue this year so I am going to be writing about the new things in my life this year and possibly some old ones. I might even try and write about the love-hate I have with Picasso[s paintings.

Au revoir pour ce soir.